« Sometimes I think it would have been better if my mom
never gave birth to me. Or it would have been better if I had been a boy.” The
confession I heard today from a 17yr-old girl faced with an ultimatum from her
father to get married by the end of the month.
Raised in the south, in the second largest city in Cameroun,
Douala, Aminatou is a bright young girl who speaks fluent French and is better
educated than most girls her age in Bogo despite quitting school early because
“it isn’t very good for a Muslim girl to be too educated”. She went to trade
school instead and learnt how to sew. Ever since she has been making a living
for herself and even accepted to teach a group of young girls how to sew too.
Sewing is an acceptable job for Muslim women because they can work at home and
don’t have to leave the house. However, the classes for the young girls proved
difficult to achieve when her father at first refused on the basis that it
isn’t proper for a young woman to be leaving the house to work. The reasoning
behind that being that she might get used to it than be disobedient and
difficult to control when she gets married. (Muslim women aren’t allowed to leave the
house at all in their first year of marriage. Talk about trust issues!)
It seems to be a widespread belief among both Christian and
Muslim men that working women are both troublesome and querulous. I met one
young man who blamed his mother for the fact that his parents always fought. He
believed it was best to marry a young virgin (preferably someone you don’t know
too well) because that way “you would be her first and she will always fear you”.
I tried to explain to him that a healthy relationship was based on trust not
fear, and that if he really wanted a happy and peaceful household he would love
and respect his wife not terrorize and control her. Unfortunately, I found out
about two months later that the young man had a baby so at the time we were
talking he was a) already married, or b) found out he had knocked a girl up and
had to get married in a hurry. He told me he was 21yrs but he didn’t look older
than sixteen. It’s hard to tell here...
One of my colleagues had an experience where she asked a man
how he could tell which women were prostitutes and he gave a description that
closely resembled the Christian women who sell their goods in the market.
(Muslim women are not allowed to sell or even buy goods in the market but will
send unmarried younger sisters or daughters to do the work. Yet another reason
why they aren’t in school.) While yesterday, in a girls workshop, we (myself
and two other volunteers) were told that girls aren’t allowed to wear long
tunics with pants (what is known as the Indian or Arab style) because “they
would look like prostitutes”. The funny part is that is exactly what all three
white women in the room were wearing. Luckily we were told that it was okay for
us, but Bogo girls have to wear the traditional pagne skirts or dresses. Oddly
enough, this isn’t a Muslim or Christian rule but rather a matter of tradition.
The tunic which is known here as the Arab style is commonly worn in many Muslim
countries as well as India. Some of the more modern, educated women of the
elite will wear tunics including the Sous-prefet’s wife which leaves me to
believe that forcing girls to wear only skirts is another “idée villageoise”.
I can see why Aminatou might wish to be a boy. Life here
just isn’t easy for a girl. They have so few rights, yet so many obligations
(the main ones being to bear children and cook). I feel a painful tightening in
my chest and my stomach every time I witness another girl being taken away to
be married off; every time I meet a woman who is ill or has an infection but
her husband won’t give her any money to go to the hospital or buy medication;
every time a girl is pulled out of school because she has to help her mother at
home or go sell things in the market; every time a woman is prevented from
doing something because her husband won’t allow it. It hurts and I feel so
powerless to do anything about it. I spent an hour and a half this morning
discussing Aminatou’s predicament and trying to give her advice. She’d asked me
to help her, but she knows as well as I do, there is very little I can do other
than be supportive. Any intervention from me would just make her father angry
(which I don’t want to do because I actually like him and consider him a friend
despite his draconian ways when it comes to his daughter. In all other subjects
he is open minded, generous and kind, but holds very traditional beliefs when
it comes to his daughter’s future. I
have a hard time understanding the contradiction...) and he would mostly likely
dismiss whatever I have to say on the basis that “my culture is different from
theirs”. So what do I do? What does she do? How do I help a friend? I
would like to say that I have the answer, but I just don’t.
Yesterday, we heard a testimony from one very active woman
in the community who told her story to the group of young girls and how she was
forced to marry at 18 but then found the courage to leave him at 20 because it
wasn’t working out. She continued to study and even did a few years at
University (though eye problems forced her to quit) and stayed single and
working. She now runs the media centre at the post office, she is active in
several organisations mostly in health, but also the young girls group which
she founded. She is a strong, independent woman and a good role model for the
girls. It gives me some hope for Aminatou that even if the marriage does go
through, not all will be lost. I just hope that whatever happens she will find
a way to be happy.
